I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
