I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
