Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
