hotel room ftw
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
