ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
