I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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