I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
