I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
