my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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