So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
