You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
