Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He kissed a someone with a penis
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
