i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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