My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
