Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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