his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
