Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize