so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So many bounce houses so little time
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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