This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
