I molested 6 butterflies tonight
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
