sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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