Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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