between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
