____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Randomize
