i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
