sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
