Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
