if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
