My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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