Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
