the new term for farting is butt boxing.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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