The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
well you can't waste a boner
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
