Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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