So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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