i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
