some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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