my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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