I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
