remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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