Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Where is the hickey?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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