I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm too high and old for this...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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