I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
