Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
