But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
