You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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