did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
