glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
