Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
