I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize