At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
