It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
