as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize