im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
