Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
