Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
